Being married is hard work. Having kids is hard work. Taking care of your marriage after having kids is one of the most important things you could do. It can be really hard when dealing with a new baby (or two) to make time for your marriage. I am not a marriage expert, but I do feel as though my husband and I have a pretty strong marriage. I feel like this can be attributed to how we have learned to communicate with each other.
In a couple of days we will be celebrating five years of marriage and almost nine years of being in a relationship. We have been through a lot together; we finished college together, traveled together, and moved four times in two years together. None of that, however, has been as challenging as raising a family together. We have had to learn how to communicate with each other while taking care of a baby (and babies). So here are a few tips that I have learned about communicating with your spouse.
How We Communicate
As I have mentioned in a previous post, my husband and I communicate in different ways. The way I learned to communicate with my family is different from the way that my husband learned to communicate with his. Over the years this has led to many misunderstandings.
For my husband’s ministerial license we were required to watch, as a couple, the Love & Respect Marriage Conference. In one of the sessions it is explained that men and women say and hear things differently. Hearing this got me thinking: if we communicate differently because our families are different and we communicate differently as male and females what chance do we have of truly understanding each other? Without hard work (and Jesus), a very small chance. We have learned that sometimes we need to stop, take a minute to think, and then ask clarifying questions if we need to.
I often say to my husband, “I’m sorry, but could you explain that again because I did not understand you.” I try to say it in a sincere way, because I know one of my struggles with communication is being sharp and sarcastic. In times like that I want him to know that I truly want to hear what he’s talking about, but I just don’t understand. This usually leads to a deeper conversation and better understanding.
When We Communicate
The next most important thing when it comes to communication is setting aside time to do it. Often with kids a lot of things are said in passing as you’re changing a diaper or a child is screaming. Sure, you’re communicating, but probably not in a way that is strengthening to your marriage. It is important to set aside uninterrupted time to talk.
This does not have to be a huge amount of time. It should be a time, however, when you are focused on each other and not on your children, or work, or anything else. For us this usually happens in the car or after the kids go to bed. Some of our best and most meaningful conversation in the past two years has happened in the car. Generally the kids are quiet and we are able to focus on each other.
One thing that is a struggle these days is cell phones. Often when we do have a few minutes of quiet one or both of us will be looking at or reading something on our phones. We have learned that it is helpful for one us to say “do you mind putting your phone down so we can talk?” Generally, whatever we were doing was unimportant and can be immediately stopped. If, in fact, we were answering an email or important text we will ask if they can wait a minute while we finish. This all may seem a little unnecessary, but it helps both of us feel as though the other is truly listening to what we are saying.
Communicate Your Expectations
One of the biggest areas of miscommunication in our house is in our expectations of each other. Usually my expectations. I have a tendency of setting expectations for other people, without their knowledge, and then getting upset when they aren’t met. This caused a lot of frustration for me and a lot of confusion for my husband.
It finally hit me that there was no way for him to meet expectations that he didn’t know existed. So I did two things. First, I would communicate when there was something I needed him to do. This could be as simple as saying, “It’s your turn to do the dishes tonight.” Where in the past, I would be frustrated while doing to dishes after dinner because it wasn’t something he automatically thought about. The second thing I did was that I began to manage my expectations. This was as simple as realizing that a lot of things are out of either of our control and that I needed to just let it go.
Communicate About the Kids
I saved the best for last. There are times when I feel like being a mom is so totally overwhelming. While those times are few, I attribute this to our communication about the kids. Since day one we have been a team working together to raise our girls. I have found, especially with the twins, that it is so important for us to be on the same page, and the only way to do that is with communication.
When working, I have always gotten home before him. This meant that unless the girls were napping I didn’t get any rest after work. This was especially difficult while I was pregnant. It was important that I communicated to him when I was tired and worn out and needed a break and vice versa. For the past few months I have done my best to have the girls down for a nap when he gets home. This way we can both have some quiet time and talk. We can share about our day and when they wake up we are on the same page.
There is so much more I could say about this topic because I truly believe that communication is an integral key to a good marriage. I hope that these few tips that I have shared have helped you in some way. If you have some great communication tips I would love to hear them. Feel free to leave a comment on this post or on social media.
Martina