For the past two years or so I have been in a season of transition in my ministry. I have felt lost, lonely, confused, hurt, and as if I had no real purpose to the Kingdom of God.
The Backstory
It all began when my church went through a major transition. My church added a new location to better reach people and minister in different areas. I no longer see many of the people that I was used to seeing on a regular basis. This includes family members as well as long time friends.
This all happened a month before M was born.
In December, when M was about 5 months old we left one of our main areas of ministry. There are a lot of things that contributed to this decision so it wasn’t as simple as just walking away. Making the decision was difficult. While we appreciated the extra free time, it also brought an emptiness and monotony to our lives.
At the time we were still working with my parents at an outreach ministry in a rough neighborhood. It wasn’t a place I was really excited to bring my baby to, but we enjoyed working with the people there and the closeness that we had with each other and those that we ministered to.
In September of the next year, our outreach ministry was shut down. We returned to what we call the “Mother Church”. This adjustment made even the others seem almost easy. I realized that I had not been in Sunday morning church services as simply a saint in a seat my whole life. From a child until the age of twelve I was in Sunday School. When I turned thirteen I became a Sunday School Teacher and right after I graduated from high school my parents started an outreach ministry that I assisted with.
Motherhood
There were some real benefits to no longer have responsibilities. We gained an hour in the mornings. We were used to getting to church an hour early and we no longer needed to do that. The exchange was that we were in service an hour later. Our outreach services were usually only an hour long and certainly not more than an hour and a half. At the mother church services are close to two hours. But the trade off was good one because there was no set-up or breakdown involved.
I enjoyed being able to sit and hold my then baby turned toddler during the service. At the outreach, M was relegated to a stroller while I assisted with other things. When we went through that transition, I was about three months pregnant with the twins. So I wanted to enjoy holding M as much as possible before my hands became full with new babies. Because I had no other responsibilities, I was able to do this regularly. I enjoyed those few months of her taking naps in my arms in service, because as a working mom there wasn’t a lot of opportunity for that.
Then of course the twins were born. Between being out of service during my recovery and trying to get past cold and flu season, that first month or so was a blur. But somewhere around the time that I left my job I began to really feel the affects of all of the changes in my ministry. Mainly, I no longer had a specified ministry. I no longer had anyone I needed to connect with on a regular basis. I spent most of my time changing diapers and making sure my children were safe.
The Ministry
At some point I was reminded of something a speaker at a marriage seminar said. He said that raising kids can be a season of your ministry. That even when it seems like you’re spending most of your time out of the service calming your kids down its okay, because that is what your ministry is during that season.
I have to be honest: remembering this did not immediately help me. My kids are so young, that while I knew that I was having an impact on their lives, it still did not feel like a ministry. Knowing this didn’t change the fact that I spent most of my day changing diapers, making bottles, and reading books to a toddler.
What it did help me with, however, was being more intentional about how I spend my time. When I think of motherhood as my ministry it makes me want to set a better example throughout my day. I am by no means perfect, but on the days when I want to just lay on the couch and read a book or look at social media, I remind myself that that isn’t the example that I want to set for my girls. Instead, I will sit down and play a game with M or read a book to her and the twins. I have been making a point to give each of my girls one-on-one time throughout my day. Sometimes its just holding one of twins and talking to them for a few minutes. Other times it’s letting M help me with a task.
Sometimes I still struggle because I know that I have so much more to give than the opportunities available. However, I know that in the past few months I have grown as a mother even just in my thinking. I am thankful that I have this time to spend with my kids while they are young. And I know that this is just a season and soon enough God will give me a new place in Him.
Martina